Trial by POWA

The Jacob Zuma circus has rolled into town and it seems that People Against Women Abuse (POWA- gosh, what an acronym!) are determined to fry the former deputy Prez before he has had his day in court.

Don't get me worng. I think that JZ is a corrupt nobody who was elevated to the spotlight by Thabsie. As a thieving and stupid kleptocrat, he should be kept far, far away from the halls of power. Nonetheless, he is a citizen of South Africa and as such enjoys certain inalienable rights, the right to a fair trial before being found guilty being one of them.

Cue POWA entering the media morass the trial of JZ has stirred up. All of the statements made by flunkies from this organization center around the presumption that JZ is in fact guilty and that he deserves to get as good as he gave in Pollsmoor, or some such.

If an NGO wishes to interfere in the workings of a justice system that is supported by the people's elected representitives, then it needs to think very carefully about which side it is gonna support. If anything, they should come out in support of JZ. As a high-profile man accused of rape, he has already been tried in the minds of most people in SA.

It is just too easy for some grasping women to level allegations of rape against men, esepcially men in the public eye. The very accusation of rape is enough to end a career or family. There need to be far stiffer penalties for women who cry 'rape' just to advance their own nefarious agendas.

JZ may be guilty ( he is fucking stupid- why he would have consenual sex with the accused anmd not expect some sort of fallout is beyond me). But if he ain't, the woman who besmirched his reputation deserves to feel the full wrath of the law.

Trial by POWA

The Jacob Zuma circus has rolled into town and it seems that People Against Women Abuse (POWA- gosh, what an acronym!) are determined to fry the former deputy Prez before he has had his day in court.

Don't get me worng. I think that JZ is a corrupt nobody who was elevated to the spotlight by Thabsie. As a thieving and stupid kleptocrat, he should be kept far, far away from the halls of power. Nonetheless, he is a citizen of South Africa and as such enjoys certain inalienable rights, the right to a fair trial before being found guilty being one of them.

Cue POWA entering the media morass the trial of JZ has stirred up. All of the statements made by flunkies from this organization center around the presumption that JZ is in fact guilty and that he deserves to get as good as he gave in Pollsmoor, or some such.

If an NGO wishes to interfere in the workings of a justice system that is supported by the people's elected representitives, then it needs to think very carefully about which side it is gonna support. If anything, they should come out in support of JZ. As a high-profile man accused of rape, he has already been tried in the minds of most people in SA.

It is just too easy for some grasping women to level allegations of rape against men, esepcially men in the public eye. The very accusation of rape is enough to end a career or family. There need to be far stiffer penalties for women who cry 'rape' just to advance their own nefarious agendas.

JZ may be guilty ( he is fucking stupid- why he would have consenual sex with the accused anmd not expect some sort of fallout is beyond me). But if he ain't, the woman who besmirched his reputation deserves to feel the full wrath of the law.

Top Ten Facts about His Supreme Dakness

Behold, the facts about Chuck Norris:

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

Compliments of chucknorrisfacts.com ( who receive no royalties from my use of these facts but who cares since they probably ain't gonna sue me anyways).

Well done Reese!

So the Oscars have come and gone.

A few shout outs to the winners:

Reese Witherspoon- best actress for her portrayal of June Carter-Cash in Walk the line . Despite what some folks say, a great movie that chronicles a great life. And the music was hella cool also.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman- best actor for his portrayal of Truman Capote in Capote. A stalwart of independent cinema, he once had the honour of playing a character named Brent ( The Big Lebowski).

Tsotsi- best foreign. South Africa finally getting her dues. Fugard for a Nobel Prize?

George Clooney- best supporting actor (Syriana). There is life after ER.

The New South Africa is much like the Old

So, as part of a professional course I am completing, I have to do a certain amount of work in government hospitals ( I am a speech and hearing therapist). As is the practise at such places, everytime you see a client/patient, you have to stat them i.e. record certain pieces of information ( how long your session was, what diagnosis the patient had, etc). This sort of info is useful- it can help hospital administrators decide how well a department is run, can infrom equipment needs ( if a particular disorder is prevelant and working with people who have that disorder requires specialist equipment, than stats can help justify the purchase of siad equipment). So, though I abhor paperwork, I gamely filled in the stat sheet until I came to a rather nasty column: RACE.

I thought we all lived in the rainbow nation, where the levels of pigmentation in your skin are immaterial. Having a race column means that you have to subcribe to the sorts of ideas that made HF Verwoed famous- what do you do when you encounter a client of dubious racial geneology? The pencil test? Should you consult the latest issues of the journal of Race Hygiene to brush up on the newest ways of catching out mulattos who try to pass for White ( or Black, in today's economic climate)? Given our president's obsession with race, why doesn't he make public statements about the races of his cabinet members?

I often think about cunning things to put in the 'race' field when filling out forms:

ARYAN: If you wanna be racist, don't be shy about it. The idea that human beings should be divided up into groups so discrimination can be more precise is a concpet straight outta Germany circa 1939. So go the whole hog- use the terminology of the Nazis.

HUMAN: A good one this suggested by 01. Emphasises that we are all supposed to be equal and that race doesn't matter.

WRITE SOMETHING LIKE 'WHY DOES THIS MATTER?': Registers protest and lets the people in pwoer know that you think their ideas are a load of bollocks.

This may get me a C4 enema.

This is not from my own hand but from those really funny guys at White House.org. If those Desertotopian guys are right, there aint no virgins waiting for me in the afterlife...

TRANSCRIPT OF PRESIDENT BUSH'S POWWOW WITH SO-CALLED PROPHET MOOHAMMED TO DISCUSS CARTOON-INDUCED WORLD WAR III Officious White House Transcript
THE PRESIDENT: Are you there, Allah? It's me, George. I know you probably can't hear me, on account of you're just a low-rent, make-pretend knockoff of the other, way-more-believable invisible man who lives in the clouds, but since Jesus cancelled our usual 1:30 today on account of he's tied up with His new roof-collapsing hobby, I thought I might give you a shout.
Now I'm not really sure how folks go about praying to you, but I did find this little brass oil lamp upstairs in Jenna's tapestry nook, and I thought that... maybe...
[Rubs Lamp.]
if I just…
[Flash of Light & Sonic Boom & Poof of Thick, White Smoke]
Hello? Who's there? Who is that?
MOOHAMMED: SILENCE, INFIDEL!
THE PRESIDENT: Whoa. Are you, like, Allah?

MOOHAMMED: NO! I AM THE PROPHET MOOHAMMED! PEACE BE UPON ME!
THE PRESIDENT: And also upon me.
MOOHAMMED: SILENCE! HOW DARE YOU SPEAK THUSLY, INSOLENT SWINE!
THE PRESIDENT: Aw jeez – I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I should have known better. Jesus gets awful pissy too when folks don't blow enough smoke up his taut, athletic butt. And since you two dudes are, you know, major competition and all in the salvation industry – I guess it stands to reason that you'd think your turds are Hershey Kisses, too.
MOOHAMMED: ENOUGH! NOW FOR WHAT PURPOSE HAVE YOU INTERRUPTED MY ETERNAL AFTERLIFE SNUGGLINGS WITH MY ALMOST-PUBESCENT WIVES?
THE PRESIDENT: Well, you see, I was wondering if you'd heard anything about this hubbub over the drawings of you in the funny pages? Over in Denmark?
MOOHAMMED: OF COURSE! I KNEW OF THESE CARTOONS EVEN BEFORE THEY APPEARED IN THE IMAGINATIONS OF THOSE WHO DREW THEM!
THE PRESIDENT: No shit? How?
MOOHAMMED: I AM ALLAH'S MESSENGER! GOD SPEAKS TO ME AND TELLS ME ALL!
THE PRESIDENT: No way. You mean out loud? And He gets specific like that with you? When He talks to me, it's usually just, you know, like in my own voice inside my head, and there's never any details or nothing. He's usually just all, "Do whatever feels good, G-Dubya! You wanna bomb some A-rab shithole? Go for it. Hey – there might even be some WMDs over there."
MOOHAMMED: WHAT IS YOUR POINT? SPEAK NOW OR– (Coughs. Hacks. Coughs Some More.)
Yeesh. I think I'm giving myself laryngitis here. Mind if I drop the screaming mimi schtick for awhile?
THE PRESIDENT: Sure thing. You want a Fisherman's Friend®?
MOOHAMMED: No, thanks.
THE PRESIDENT: Cool. Anyway, your followers are going pretty apeshit over these cartoons, huh? Like, torching buildings and wanting to chop peoples' heads off.
MOOHAMMED: Yeah. And?
THE PRESIDENT: Well I just want to be sure you know that I told the State Department to say that America is opposed to those cartoons. Because if the past four years have taught me anything, it's that some of your followers are crazy-assed motherfuckers who just will not quit. And to be honest with you, they're starting to really scare the shit out of me. So much so that it's getting, like, all ironical that I call them the "FREEDOM®-Haters" – and yet here I am, totally kowtowing to them and calling for the curtailing of actual freedom.
MOOHAMMED: (Laughs.) Yes, this is plain to see.
THE PRESIDENT: And well, it's just that, even though my religion tells me quite clearly that all your followers are going to burn in Hell, that hasn't stopped me from going through the motions of tolerance. Heck, I've even been doing those Ishtar Dinners every year – and I hate sheep eyes casserole!
MOOHAMMED: We too take perverse pleasure in the thought of your Christians souls writhing in eternal agony.
THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, well I guess we'll see who's right. But in the meantime, I thought maybe it would be nice if this cartoon stuff didn't escalate into another World War – especially since I've already stretched America's military so dangerously paper-thin and all.
MOOHAMMED: Indeed you have. (Laughs.)
THE PRESIDENT: So... got any advice on how to calm your people down?
MOOHAMMED: Look, every religious cult has its terrorist lunatic fringe. You Christians have Operation Rescue and The 700 Club, Scientologists have Tom Cruise, and I have a bunch of bipolar, unemployed illiterates who just happen to be handy with plastique. They don't represent the majority. But hey, if your religion can't afford a marketing budget or five entire satellite TV networks, you take whatever free PR you can get, right?
THE PRESIDENT: I guess. So you mean these chanting crazies are like your "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth"? You can't really condone their tactics, so you just sit back and reap the benefits?
MOOHAMMED: Exactly.
THE PRESIDENT: Well I can certainly appreciate that. (Winks.)
I guess we should both be kinda thankful that when liberals invented political correctness to criminalize "hurt feelings," they inadvertently gave birth to the absurdist notion that ridiculing the intolerance and knee-jerk hysteria of violent extremists is "offensive."
MOOHAMMED: (Thumbs Up.)
THE PRESIDENT: Alright. Then I guess I'll just try to see this thing through by espousing the cheap cop-out that cracking jokes about ANY religion is not a right. If nothing else, that takes my country one step closer to becoming the same kind of loonybird theocracy that your fringe terror monkeys want.
One thing though...
MOOHAMMED: Yes?
THE PRESIDENT: If this cartoon shit really does hit the fan, America will have to support the Danishes.
MOOHAMMED: Why is that? They don't even have any oil.
THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, but they have something that guys like me value way more than mere money: BLUE EYES.
MOOHAMMED: Fair enough. Farewell, Infidel. [Crosses Arms, Bobs Head & Blinks]
[Flash of Light & Sonic Boom & Poof of White Smoke]

Honorable Justice COSATU presiding.

One expects trade unions to be fucking dumb. Afterall, these are the same people who believe that making it harder to employ people is going to boost employment. But the latest round of contradictions emanating from the political arena's biggest turd fest had even seasoned COSATU watchers retching.

Four months ago, COSATU went to great lengths to ensure that Comrade Zuma got a fair trial before being proclaimed guilty. We do, afterall, live in a country where accused ( in this case, clearly guilty) persons are innocent until a court of law has found that they are thieving fuckers.

Fastforward to today, and COSATU has waded into the fray surrounding the Vereeniging Dry Cleaners trial. For those of you who have not read about this trial, three white business people in are accused of conspiring with two of their black workers to murder two other (black) workers. Nothing complicated, up to this point- the trial should be allowed to proceed and if the prosecution can lead the neccessary evidence, the guilty parties should be punished.

COSATU, despite clamouring to remind all and sundry that Jacob is not to be called a money grabbing son-of-a-bitch, until the courts have actually shown this to be true, insists that the Vereeniging accused should be denied bail. What about their rights to innocence in the eyes of the law? Do these rights apply only to blacks? What sort of transparently racist message is COSATU sending by supporting JZ and harresing the Vereeniging accused?

The sooner COSATU realises it is NOT a government or a court of law, the better for us all. Let the law run its course and concentrate on what you do best- driving away investment and destroying jobs.

You have two cows...

I found this on Wikipedia. It is so funny and so suitable for expansion, that I had to put it here. Apparently, there is a genre of joke that starts off with the phrase ' you have two cows...'. See Wiki's offerings below:

Atheism: You have two cows. They came from nowhere.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
Canadianism: You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.
Capitalism: You have two cows. A big cattle company ousts you off the business. You sell your cows and work for the big business.
Communism: You have two cows. Everyone owns all the cows and everyone is equal. If you happen to be in charge of everyone and their cows, you own more of the cows than everyone because you are more equal than they are.
Democracy: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products.
Dyslexia: You have two wocs.
Racism: You have two cows. One of them is brown.
Surrealism: You have two cows. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. '

But I would like to add some of my own:

Scientology: You have two cows. Sell their milk so that you can go for more auditing.

African Nationalist: You have two cows. But they are in AbuDabi. Use your presidential jet to fly there and get them.

Freud: You have two cows. They have udders just like your mother's.

Jean Luc Picard: You have two cows. If they don't have warp capabilities, don't speak to them.

Spock: You have two cows. Fascinating.

James T Kirk: You have two cows. Are either of them single?

Jonathan Archer: You have one cow ( two cows have not been developed yet).

Bill Gates: You have two cows. If one of them is 3 years late, it's a longhorn.

Steve Jobs: You have two cows. I'll work for milk.

Manto: You have two cows. Keep them out of the garlic patch.

Tony Leon: You have two cows. Please get them to vote for me.

Mormon: You have two cows. Moomon and Mooroni.

Homeopathy: You have two cows. Dilute them in 20 000 000 litres of water.

Al Gore: You have two cows. Did you count them properly?

George Bush I: You have two cows. Can I read their lips?

George Bush II: You have two cows. One is for us and the other is against us.

Jessica Simpson: You have two cows. Excluding my sister.

Steven Spielberg: You have Cows II. I'm sorry, I don't do sequels.

JM Coetzee: You have two cows. That's a disgrace.

Roman Polanski: You have two cows. Are they legal?

South African: You had two cows. One has been stolen.

German: You have two cows. They have united into one cow.

Esperanto: Vi havas duajn vacxajn. Cxu ili estas regulara?

The Most Amazing Sunday

Yesterday, thanks to the adroit manuverings of mine house mates, I got to attend a taping of The Most Amazing Show.

It really is a very amzing show. I think that this is the best thing to happen to South African comedy in a very long time . I can't remember when a witty, audience-interactive show that has something to say was last flighted on the SABC.

Problem is, the fucktards at the SABC will probably cancel the show after 1 season so that they can spend the money making more episodes of Isidingo or Generations. Let's make sure the SABC knows how we want the funds from our TV licences spent. I think an email a day telling those Auckland Park guys just how brilliant there show it should do it.

Let's have more TMAS and less crud.

www.tmas.co.za

Our fucked up nanny government.

Like most left leaning politicians, the current and previous ministers of health believe that they have the right to tell qualified adults how to pollute their bodies. Witness the near zealtous campaign against smoking and big tobacco- warning labels are plastered on all packs of cigarettes so that pregnant mothers are warned that Gunston Plain will harm the health of their unborn children; restaurants may no have overly large smoking areas; all forms of tobacco advertising have been banned. Its clear that Ministers Zuma and Manto don’t want you to smoke.

As ministers of health, they are tasked with being vigilant about the health of South Africans. Problems arise when the application of such health-preserving urges is so spotty. While smokers are made to feel that they are one step removed from pederasts if they smoke in the presence of a child, nary a poster is designed to warn South Africans about the dangers of alcohol abuse.

A balanced approach might argue that the two vices are equally harmful. My view is that of the two, alcohol is more harmful and in need of control. It is not coincidental that a nation which likes to dop is also a nation with one of the world’s highest road accident rates. The connection between our unacceptably high women/child abuse rates and pervasive alcoholism is there to be seen by anyone who has eyes in his/her head. We also have the distinctive dishonour of being the country with the world’s highest incidence of foetal alcohol syndrome (FAS).

Widespread boozing has broader implications. We all pay for the damage done by drunkards at Christmas time, when hospital beds are filled by their handiwork. FAS has ensured that generations of farm workers in the Western and Northern Cape are so mentally and physically underdeveloped that their changes of breaking free from crushing cycles of poverty are insignificantly small. And yet the beer continues to flow unabated.

It’s clear that the government has the means to tackle the problem ala anti-tobacco campaigns. Warning labels on every box of Châteaux de Cardboard sold would not be amiss. Every advertising space and medium previously occupied by tobacco merchants has been claimed by booze manufacturers; why not ban advertising of THIS harmful substance? In much the same way as the purchasing and enjoyment of cigarettes has been drastically curtailed, the sale of alcohol could also be restricted to certain shops and times of day.

Of course billboards telling consumers about the harmful effects of ethanol will have very little effect on alcoholics whose poverty and powerlessness give them little to life for anyway. But by doing something to limit the damage of alcohol abuse the government will demonstrate that it takes this mammoth health issue seriously. It may not solve the problem overnight, but it would get the process going.

Far be it from me to find a conspiracy around every corner, but methinks that our cadres in Cape Town have good reasons for not clamping down on the sale of hooch. Just how many shares in SAB are owned by the busy bees who frequent the halls of power? Or are our leaders practising Verwoedean (and Mugabean) statecraft? Verwoed and his Nationalist cronies saw to it that townships were well supplied with cheap liquor while every village in Zimbabwe has at least one bottle store. No revolution was ever launched by citizens too drunk to wield their pitch forks and Molotov cocktails. Better to stay home and enjoy some government- sanctioned Klippies and Cola cocktails.