Monday, January 30, 2006

You have two cows...

I found this on Wikipedia. It is so funny and so suitable for expansion, that I had to put it here. Apparently, there is a genre of joke that starts off with the phrase ' you have two cows...'. See Wiki's offerings below:

Atheism: You have two cows. They came from nowhere.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
Canadianism: You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.
Capitalism: You have two cows. A big cattle company ousts you off the business. You sell your cows and work for the big business.
Communism: You have two cows. Everyone owns all the cows and everyone is equal. If you happen to be in charge of everyone and their cows, you own more of the cows than everyone because you are more equal than they are.
Democracy: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products.
Dyslexia: You have two wocs.
Racism: You have two cows. One of them is brown.
Surrealism: You have two cows. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. '

But I would like to add some of my own:

Scientology: You have two cows. Sell their milk so that you can go for more auditing.

African Nationalist: You have two cows. But they are in AbuDabi. Use your presidential jet to fly there and get them.

Freud: You have two cows. They have udders just like your mother's.

Jean Luc Picard: You have two cows. If they don't have warp capabilities, don't speak to them.

Spock: You have two cows. Fascinating.

James T Kirk: You have two cows. Are either of them single?

Jonathan Archer: You have one cow ( two cows have not been developed yet).

Bill Gates: You have two cows. If one of them is 3 years late, it's a longhorn.

Steve Jobs: You have two cows. I'll work for milk.

Manto: You have two cows. Keep them out of the garlic patch.

Tony Leon: You have two cows. Please get them to vote for me.

Mormon: You have two cows. Moomon and Mooroni.

Homeopathy: You have two cows. Dilute them in 20 000 000 litres of water.

Al Gore: You have two cows. Did you count them properly?

George Bush I: You have two cows. Can I read their lips?

George Bush II: You have two cows. One is for us and the other is against us.

Jessica Simpson: You have two cows. Excluding my sister.

Steven Spielberg: You have Cows II. I'm sorry, I don't do sequels.

JM Coetzee: You have two cows. That's a disgrace.

Roman Polanski: You have two cows. Are they legal?

South African: You had two cows. One has been stolen.

German: You have two cows. They have united into one cow.

Esperanto: Vi havas duajn vacxajn. Cxu ili estas regulara?

The Most Amazing Sunday

Yesterday, thanks to the adroit manuverings of mine house mates, I got to attend a taping of The Most Amazing Show.

It really is a very amzing show. I think that this is the best thing to happen to South African comedy in a very long time . I can't remember when a witty, audience-interactive show that has something to say was last flighted on the SABC.

Problem is, the fucktards at the SABC will probably cancel the show after 1 season so that they can spend the money making more episodes of Isidingo or Generations. Let's make sure the SABC knows how we want the funds from our TV licences spent. I think an email a day telling those Auckland Park guys just how brilliant there show it should do it.

Let's have more TMAS and less crud.

www.tmas.co.za

Monday, January 23, 2006

Our fucked up nanny government.

Like most left leaning politicians, the current and previous ministers of health believe that they have the right to tell qualified adults how to pollute their bodies. Witness the near zealtous campaign against smoking and big tobacco- warning labels are plastered on all packs of cigarettes so that pregnant mothers are warned that Gunston Plain will harm the health of their unborn children; restaurants may no have overly large smoking areas; all forms of tobacco advertising have been banned. Its clear that Ministers Zuma and Manto don’t want you to smoke.

As ministers of health, they are tasked with being vigilant about the health of South Africans. Problems arise when the application of such health-preserving urges is so spotty. While smokers are made to feel that they are one step removed from pederasts if they smoke in the presence of a child, nary a poster is designed to warn South Africans about the dangers of alcohol abuse.

A balanced approach might argue that the two vices are equally harmful. My view is that of the two, alcohol is more harmful and in need of control. It is not coincidental that a nation which likes to dop is also a nation with one of the world’s highest road accident rates. The connection between our unacceptably high women/child abuse rates and pervasive alcoholism is there to be seen by anyone who has eyes in his/her head. We also have the distinctive dishonour of being the country with the world’s highest incidence of foetal alcohol syndrome (FAS).

Widespread boozing has broader implications. We all pay for the damage done by drunkards at Christmas time, when hospital beds are filled by their handiwork. FAS has ensured that generations of farm workers in the Western and Northern Cape are so mentally and physically underdeveloped that their changes of breaking free from crushing cycles of poverty are insignificantly small. And yet the beer continues to flow unabated.

It’s clear that the government has the means to tackle the problem ala anti-tobacco campaigns. Warning labels on every box of Châteaux de Cardboard sold would not be amiss. Every advertising space and medium previously occupied by tobacco merchants has been claimed by booze manufacturers; why not ban advertising of THIS harmful substance? In much the same way as the purchasing and enjoyment of cigarettes has been drastically curtailed, the sale of alcohol could also be restricted to certain shops and times of day.

Of course billboards telling consumers about the harmful effects of ethanol will have very little effect on alcoholics whose poverty and powerlessness give them little to life for anyway. But by doing something to limit the damage of alcohol abuse the government will demonstrate that it takes this mammoth health issue seriously. It may not solve the problem overnight, but it would get the process going.

Far be it from me to find a conspiracy around every corner, but methinks that our cadres in Cape Town have good reasons for not clamping down on the sale of hooch. Just how many shares in SAB are owned by the busy bees who frequent the halls of power? Or are our leaders practising Verwoedean (and Mugabean) statecraft? Verwoed and his Nationalist cronies saw to it that townships were well supplied with cheap liquor while every village in Zimbabwe has at least one bottle store. No revolution was ever launched by citizens too drunk to wield their pitch forks and Molotov cocktails. Better to stay home and enjoy some government- sanctioned Klippies and Cola cocktails.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The perils of Communism.

In case anybody needed more convincing, Communism is possibly the worst way in which to run a country or world.

This fact was recently driven home to me when I finished reading 'Anthem' by Ayn Rand. This book deals with a world in which Communism is taken to its logical conclusion. The entire world is ruled by one government. Collectivism is the philosophy which governs every aspect of human life. The entire scope of men's lives is centered on the group. People work, live, die together. The self is an abberaration to be reviled and avoided; men live for the advancement of the group. Even the word 'I' used to designate yourself as being seperate from the herd has passed out of speech and is no longer used.

A world in which collectivism is supreme is one marked by backwardness and primitive technologies.

The book is sort of a primer on Objectivist thought, which Ms. Rand championed. Below plz find a brief overview of Objectivist thought from www.aynrand.org:

"Ayn Rand named her philosophy "Objectivism" and described it as a philosophy for living on earth. Objectivism is an integrated system of thought that defines the abstract principles by which a man must think and act if he is to live the life proper to man. Ayn Rand first portrayed her philosophy in the form of the heroes of her best-selling novels, The Fountainhead (1943) and Atlas Shrugged (1957). She later expressed her philosophy in nonfiction form.

Ayn Rand was once asked if she could present the essence of Objectivism while standing on one foot. Her answer was:

Metaphysics: Objective Reality
Epistemology: Reason
Ethics: Self-interest
Politics: Capitalism

She then translated those terms into familiar language:

"Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed."
"You can't eat your cake and have it, too."
"Man is an end in himself."
"Give me liberty or give me death."

The basic principles of Objectivism can be summarized as follows:

Metaphysics
"Reality, the external world, exists independent of man's consciousness, independent of any observer's knowledge, beliefs, feelings, desires or fears. This means that A is A, that facts are facts, that things are what they are—and that the task of man's consciousness is to perceive reality, not to create or invent it." Thus Objectivism rejects any belief in the supernatural—and any claim that individuals or groups create their own reality.

Epistemology
"Man's reason is fully competent to know the facts of reality. Reason, the conceptual faculty, is the faculty that identifies and integrates the material provided by man's senses. Reason is man's only means of acquiring knowledge." Thus Objectivism rejects mysticism (any acceptance of faith or feeling as a means of knowledge), and it rejects skepticism (the claim that certainty or knowledge is impossible).

Human Nature
Man is a rational being. Reason, as man's only means of knowledge, is his basic means of survival. But the exercise of reason depends on each individual's choice. "Man is a being of volitional consciousness." "That which you call your soul or spirit is your consciousness, and that which you call 'free will' is your mind's freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom. This is the choice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and character."Thus Objectivism rejects any form of determinism, the belief that man is a victim of forces beyond his control (such as God, fate, upbringing, genes, or economic conditions).

Ethics
"Reason is man's only proper judge of values and his only proper guide to action. The proper standard of ethics is: man's survival qua man—i.e., that which is required by man's nature for his survival as a rational being (not his momentary physical survival as a mindless brute). Rationality is man's basic virtue, and his three fundamental values are: reason, purpose, self-esteem. Man—every man—is an end in himself, not a means to the ends of others; he must live for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others nor sacrificing others to himself; he must work for his rational self-interest, with the achievement of his own happiness as the highest moral purpose of his life." Thus Objectivism rejects any form of altruism—the claim that morality consists in living for others or for society.

Politics
"The basic social principle of the Objectivist ethics is that no man has the right to seek values from others by means of physical force—i.e., no man or group has the right to initiate the use of physical force against others. Men have the right to use force only in self-defense and only against those who initiate its use. Men must deal with one another as traders, giving value for value, by free, mutual consent to mutual benefit. The only social system that bars physical force from human relationships is laissez-faire capitalism. Capitalism is a system based on the recognition of individual rights, including property rights, in which the only function of the government is to protect individual rights, i.e., to protect men from those who initiate the use of physical force." Thus Objectivism rejects any form of collectivism, such as fascism or socialism. It also rejects the current "mixed economy" notion that the government should regulate the economy and redistribute wealth.

Esthetics
"Art is a selective re-creation of reality according to an artist's metaphysical value-judgments." The purpose of art is to concretize the artist's fundamental view of existence. Ayn Rand described her own approach to art as "Romantic Realism": "I am a Romantic in the sense that I present men as they ought to be. I am Realistic in the sense that I place them here and now and on this earth." The goal of Ayn Rand's novels is not didactic but artistic: the projection of an ideal man: "My purpose, first cause and prime mover is the portrayal of Howard Roark or John Galt or Hank Rearden or Francisco d'Anconia as an end in himself—not as a means to any further end." "

In this era, where selfishness is underrated, the work and life of Ms. Rand is to be valued.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

A shipload full of nerds?

Ashamed as I am to admit it, I have developed into something of a Trekkie. So here is my list (unauthorized) of reasons why Star Trek is the coolest thing since Bill Shatner learnt to sing:

1) Despite being uber nerdy, all of the main crew members socre at least once during each season ( better than the real life record of any nerd I know).

2) Crew members get to use energy weapons to vaporize shit. Nuff said.

3) There seems to be a Star Fleet policy against hiring dogs ( and those that do make it through the cracks never land up on the Enterprise, leather face Crusher notwithstanding). So, while hurtling through the depths of space all the nerds on board can have space sex with space babes.

4) Synthehol allows you to drink like a fish sans hangover.

Any other jewels?